Dear Black Men, Please Do Better

In the wake of renewed calls of Black Lives Matter and justice for the many innocent lives violently taken by the police, there have also been increasing calls for more support from black men for black women.

I’ve seen prominent YouTubers pledging, and acting upon their pledge, to provide more tangible support for black women. I’ve heard people reference the 2019 BET Black Coffee segment that questioned, “How can Black men better support black women?” I’ve read the twitter thread around this topic where many people question the need for this, or call it a “gender war,” or ask for “data” to support the claim that black men don’t support black women. To be clear, this is not an assertion that black men never support black women. It is a request that they do more of it. But for those that need data, let me offer my personal anecdotes for why black men need to do better.

In my experience, black men do not go out of their way for women if they are not related to them or in a romantic relationship with them. And sometimes, they won’t even go out their way for a relative or a girlfriend! Once upon a time, I asked a male friend (or someone I thought was a friend) for 3 hours of his time to help me move. Not an all day marathon, just some assistance with a few larger pieces that I couldn’t lift on my own. Not only did he not help me, he didn’t even return my phone call. Mind you, this was many months after I had spent over a week designing and decorating his professional space simply because I believed in his mission and purpose. I did this for free, and without expectation of “tit for tat.” But as a “friend,” I couldn’t fathom how someone could freely accept the labor and time that I had put in for him and not be bothered to reciprocate when I was in need. That doesn’t fit my definition of friendship in the sense of people who are there for one another. Needless to say, this person has since been moved to the acquaintance circle in my life.

On another occasion, I was contemplating a new side hustle so I reached out to a black man I knew was in the field full-time. This person was the friend of a friend, but we had previously socialized together and, I thought, established a cordial relationship.

He responded to my request for 30 minutes of his time to pick his brain regarding his profession, we arranged to meet at a local coffee house . . . and he was a no show. I reached out close to our meeting time, letting him know I was at the meeting place, and that I looked forward to seeing him soon–no response. To this day, I have never received an apology nor an explanation for why I was stood up.

Finally, I once briefly dated an older black man who professed Christianity. As we went out and had various discussions, a few caution flags started popping up.

Flag #1 -“It’s hard for men to admit when they’re wrong.” He mentioned this during casual conversation, as if it were a given. I immediately thought, What kind of backwards, immature, toxic masculinity are you talking about?” No one is perfect, and emotionally mature people can acknowledge this.

Flag #2 – “What happened? You said you were going to meet me at event x, but you didn’t, without any word of explanation.” When he replied that he had fallen asleep, I was “too through,” as the old folks would say. Fortunately, the event in question was one where I was among friends, so I wasn’t left in an awkward situation. However, I have neither the time, nor the inclination to teach a 50 year old man about the concept of integrity!

Some folks may say this is just a couple examples. I’m being too hard on men, I don’t have enough evidence to accuse an entire group. In talking with my girlfriends I find these “few” examples are corroborated by their experiences as well. And our collective experiences are simply representative of the larger issue: Black men need to do better. Yes, many have come from broken homes without a male figure. (So do black women). Yes, it is challenging to be a black man in today’s society. But there is simply no excuse for the lack of care and consideration many demonstrate when there isn’t hope of a sexual return.

This is the information age—if a man has never learned how to be caring and considerate of women while growing up, he should read some articles on the internet, listen to a podcast, read a book, get a therapist! Too many black men use their past to remain emotionally and mentally stagnant. This is not okay. Black women deserve more. So I say, “Dear black men, please. do. better.”